My Contiki Story

“Do you have condoms?” She whispered.

This wasn’t me getting lucky. Instead, it was my incumbent roommate.

In someways, I’m still getting over it and I’m embarrassed to share what I’m about to share, but you only live once and I think this will do more good than harm. Here we go.

I was the unlucky one. I had no where to go. I was in the same room trying to fall asleep.

This was 2017 Contiki Japan for me!

My roommate was having fun, the other person was having fun too. I wish it would stop.

I would think about what my friends would do in this situation. Of course, that didn’t help because they would be the ones in my roommate’s situation. Or if they weren’t, maybe, they would have the audacity to join in? Maybe, they would tell them to go to another room? I just froze.

Froze like an innocent child witnessing a murder. What the hell? It’s just sex after all.

The topic of sex always made me feel uneasy even though I dreamed about it. My male friends would boast about their conquests. Whenever the spotlight came on me, they thought I was cursed with some disease of the mind. Even my first girlfriend thought it was problematic.

It’s hard. Everyone around me had at least some experience or was in a powerful relationship.

Instead of learning from people around me, I looked at my own situation in shame.

It’s like a party everyone was invited to, even people who are younger than you, not as intelligent as you and not as kind as you. All of them are on the inside, but you are on the out. You’re rejected. You ask yourself, is there something wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you.

You might feel like everyone is winning the game and you weren’t even given the rule booklet.

But you never lied to anyone.

Sure people laughed, which made me feel small and uncomfortable.

But they can never do, what you can do.

There is vulnerability in honesty. And vulnerability is the ultimate show of confidence.

Lie and impress others. Tell the truth and impress yourself. I hope this is what you take away.